One week later

Hi friends! Long time no blog. I hope you've been keeping up with us over on the Facebook page because that's where all the action has been. It's far easier for me to post an update from my phone on Facebook while we're driving to and from seeing the boys or while I'm holding one of them than it has been to find time to pull out the computer and string together anything that makes sense over here.

So the Cliff's Notes version for anyone who hasn't seen my updates: One week ago Cooper and Lincoln were born at 1:52 pm, March 9th via c-section. Cooper was 2 lbs 10.5oz, Lincoln was 3 lb 6oz, and both were 16.5 inches long. Cooper needed a little bit of suction before he started breathing on his own and Lincoln was born screaming!

The surgery lasted 28 minutes and went so much better than I ever could have dreamed. I had a lot of anxiety going in and had the shakes really really bad! I had made sure to let everyone know that I was going to struggle with this so my nurses were amazing and kind and the anesthesiologist gave me some nitrous oxide in my oxygen mask as soon as I was laid back on the table. It was exactly what I needed at that moment and I could have kissed the man! I was able to relax and focus on the fact that my boys were about to be born instead of being lost in my own fears. As soon as Dr S cut into my uterus everyone started exclaiming about the FLOOD of fluid that filled the suction machine and overflowed onto the floor. The second OB joked about being happy she had worn her booties because they were literally standing in our excess of fluid and mopping it up after the surgery!

Michael was brought in and seated next to my head right before the surgery started but he spent most of the time standing and watching and then going with the babies into the next room. If I hadn't had the happy gas I probably would have been upset that he wasn't holding my hand or something. As it was, I felt them pushing and pulling on me and then heard a nurse say "happy birthday" as Cooper was born and less than a minute later I heard Lincoln come out screaming his head off. The cries of a preemie sound very different than a full term baby but it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard and I immediately started crying knowing how big a thing it was that he was breathing on his own right away.

The nurses immediately brought the babies and Michael into an adjoining room to assess them, suction Cooper a little bit, and wrap them up. Then a nurse brought me each baby to peek at and kiss before they brought the boys into the NICU. Once I was closed up I was brought across the hall to spend a couple hours in recovery getting poked and watched and given ice chips, then water, then apple juice. I hadn't eaten since midnight so it was the most delicious apple juice I'd ever had! Then the nurse drove my gurney into the NICU where I was able to see the boys for a few minutes each before being driven up to the birth care floor. This gurney ride was the beginning of the most awful part of the surgery for me. I already struggle with motion sickness and that combined with my awful reactions to pain meds left me feeling very sick for several hours and a couple bouts of vomiting before everything finally wore off enough to stop the spinning. It took another couple days before we finally figured out what the best combo of meds for me was to stay on top of the pain without feeling awful but my new rule for life is no more narcotics ever!

The rest of my stay in the hospital consisted of going up and down from the NICU to sit with my little guys, pump, rest, eat, repeat. I was so lucky to have visits from a couple wonderful friends and a friend actually had a baby in the same hospital while I was there so I popped in to see her a couple times. On Monday I was discharged from the hospital and was able to come home to see my girls. Because the girls aren't able to visit the NICU during flu season and seeing their mom in the hospital can be a little jarring, we decided not to have them visit me at all but I did video call them a few times and Mike was home with them every night and most of the days. The girls were very very ready for mommy to come home and missing them made it a tiny bit easier to leave the hospital. I still cried most of the way home and starting crying at the pharmacy counter and cried several times before going back to see my boys the next day. Transitioning from the quiet hospital back to my crazy house has been a challenge. Trying to figure out how to be Mom while still recovering from surgery, figuring out pumping, visiting the boys, and dealing with hormones has had its ups and downs but we've had amazing support from friends and the hospital staff has really helped us feel supported on that end. It helps that I married the most amazing man who has picked up the slack in every arena and is an awesome dad and husband. Neither of us really know what we're doing here but we're muddling our way through together and he's been supportive of my needs on top of the general needs of the family without ever once complaining.

Check in on Facebook to see lots of photos of our sweet babies! We're getting ready to head out to see them soon and it cannot be soon enough. The hour drive each way just kills me!

Where shit gets real

So, things are scary. Things were already hard and stressful and annoying and painful at times but now it's getting really real.

This morning I went back for another BPP and growth measurement. Three weeks ago we started to be concerned again about the direction the boys' health was moving and each week has added a level of concern. I'm going to try to just lay out the facts here first without a lot of comment.

• Cooper's largest fluid measurement was around 1.5 cm
• Lincoln's fluid measured at 9.78 cm
• Cooper has a visible bladder and stomach and great blood flows
• We are officially back in stage I TTTS
• They have some concerns about the area of the placenta where Cooper's cord inserts showing signs of deteriorating and calcifying. This is hard to truly know until they deliver but it definitely doesn't look as healthy as the area where Lincoln's cord inserts.
• Lincoln, in his big pool of fluid, has managed to tangle his cord around his feet. The blood flow from placenta to feet is great in the cord but from feet to the belly button is not awesome.
• The excess fluid around Lincoln is probably causing a lot of my extra discomfort as well as lots and lot of contractions
• Both boys are head down! Yay!
• Cooper measured in the 8th percentile for growth which is down from the 12th of three weeks ago. This number is new to me because we had focused on the belly measurement last time.
• Lincoln is measuring in the 30th percentile somewhere so their difference is more than average twins and more than anyone likes to see

I am headed back to see Dr B again in the morning and check on these little stinkers. If she cannot measure a pocket of fluid around Cooper at 2cm or above I will be admitted to the hospital to receive IV fluids, rest, and monitor the boys often. The goal is still to keep them in as long as possible and healthy but that's a touch and go thing right now so we won't know how long I might be admitted for. If it happens I'll update with more info on the actual hospital plan but the way things are looking today it seems like I'd be there until I deliver and that would be soon. I hope that's wrong.

I received the first of two steroid injections this morning and will get the second tomorrow. These steroids help the babies' lungs to develop. I've had these shots with my oldest but we were thankfully able to stop preterm labor with her and I didn't ever ask much about how they work or do any research so I can't give more info than that. So far they have given me some hot flashes but I didn't even feel the injection. I was warned that it would suck so at least that was a pleasant surprise.

Trying to explain this situation to the girls was hard. I can't give them hard facts about what will happen next but I couldn't not say anything so I'm sure they'll struggle a little as we adjust to whatever happens next. I've been trying to figure out how to pack for my potential hospital stay of unknown length in between laying down when contractions get too strong. I also desperately need to cut Mike's hair but am running out of time! I really wish I had done it this weekend but he works from home most days so I really only feel pressure on Mondays for him to look presentable.

I'm sure I'm leaving things out. I owe you pretty pictures and belly pictures and baby shower stuff. I'll try to update more tomorrow.

We made it to 30 weeks guys!

Yesterday was my second biophysical profile and had it's highs and lows.

Both boys passed with all their points! The NST found them both to have great variability in their heart rates although it took a really long time to locate both babies. I mean, we knew they are obviously still in the general vicinity but neither wanted to get monitored. The nurse brought in a pocket ultrasound and I wish that was something they just hand out to high risk patients! How amazing would it be to just be able to peek at the boys whenever we felt like it? Unfortunately the boys have long limbs that are all sorts of smashed together so she still couldn't find a good spot to place the sensor to grab Cooper's heart strip. So she went to ask a sonographer (this word has been on the outskirts of my brain all these weeks and I couldn't get it to surface, my apologies to any sonographers out there (especially those I am related to and/or have known all my life) that may not have liked being called an ultrasound tech all this time. I don't always love being called a hair dresser and I imagine it might be similar in your field.) to come in and find those tricksy babes.

OMG! That little smirk! It just kills me dead. I swear if these boys have their dad's smile I do not stand a chance of ever disciplining them. Sometimes I could swear that I hear a little *ting* sound effect when he smiles. And the nose and cheeks are starting to look like their big sisters for sure. They all look very similar as babies but I think I see A here the most.

We also got to listen to one of the boys having hiccups during the whole NST so that was all kinds of adorable. Unfortunately it was pretty immediately obvious during the ultrasound portion of the show that Cooper is once again getting shrink wrapped in his amniotic sack so the warm fuzzies turned to fear rather quickly. The amnion kind of causes a blur on the screen when it's so close to his little face and it's like looking through a foggy window at him. The sonographer was able to measure his largest vertical pocket of fluid at around 2.24 cm. This is lower than the last two weeks and much more visibly obvious even to me. Then she measured Lincoln's fluid which is tipping the scales at around 9.5 cm. This means that Cooper's measurement is .25 cm away from officially putting us back into stage I TTTS. These numbers can change day to day and depend on the babies' positions but the continued downward trend is the most concerning. Thankfully Cooper still has an easily visible bladder, both boys have great blood flows, and they both moved plenty. Lincoln did awesome practice breathing and Cooper had the hiccups again, which counts as both movement and practice breathing. I'd love to see him do a little more practice breathing next time because he hasn't done as well as his big little brother but I suppose it's not a competition. Because they passed their test and haven't officially gone back into TTTS we're sticking with my next appointment on Tuesday unless something changes between now and then. So we get to grow and fatten up for another week!

On the brighter side, the boys were once again head down with Cooper's noggin lodged way waaaaay down into my pelvis and Lincoln's head on top of his. Cooper is so far down that the sonographer had to tilt the table backwards to get access to measure the blood flow to his brain, which added some extra blood blow to my brain and some baby butts in my lungs making it hard to breathe! Hard to breathe is a relative term though because allergies and babies mean it is never actually easy for me to breathe anymore but I'm pretty excited every time these guys have those little heads together in the right spot.

Bonus points if you can tell what anything in this photo might be. I can see Cooper's fist and his little face turned away. I think that might be Lincoln's head over on the left but I'm not certain.

It seems a lot more important the last few days for them to be in the right positions because I've started to have regular timeable contractions. Up until now I've had plenty of Braxton Hicks contractions and several real ones here and there when I push my body too much but nothing that ever formed a pattern or lasted longer than a couple squeezes. Tuesday I was awoken from a nap to a strong tightening. None of them have been painful but strong enough that I can feel as it spreads over my entire belly and tightens downwards. I was able to go back to sleep but woke up twice more from obvious contractions and decided it was time to start timing them. Over the next couple hours I timed them between 5 and 9 minutes apart lasting for 30-45 seconds each time. Just when I was about to call the hospital and potentially go in they spaced out to about 15 minutes apart and then went to closer to 30 minutes for the next 24 hours. Yesterday evening and today have been better by far. The contractions are lighter and further apart at 30-45 minutes apart when I could time them but I've been trying to ignore them a little unless they demand my attention.

Two little booties and some gigantic feet! Seriously! Look at those feet. I'm going to blame those giant feet for the constant pain in my ribs and the fact that I felt Lincoln kick on one side of my belly last night but saw Cooper's bum bump out on the other side of my belly at the same time.

I've decided that I need to get on top of packing my hospital bag and getting as much laundry done as possible while also physically not doing too much. Slowly but surely. Hopefully it will all be for naught and will sit around making my bedroom look messy for several weeks! I know I need to update a little about the baby shower and share some updated photos that show the belly but this post is long enough as is so you'll just have to wait. There's also a video of these babes but I haven't downloaded it yet to see if it's worth sharing here. I hope this week has been kind to you and may you be more comfortable at all times than I am. If you're the praying type please send one up that the babies' fluid will balance out again and that my contractions will just stop. I truly think my body doesn't want to stretch any more and is trying to hit eject so I'm hoping that I'll hit some point where my muscles give a little and then everything will calm down a little.