I saw my OB today, which always seems a little pointless but I know that it's important when things go awry so I'm fine with what feel like silly check ins. I was able to ask her a few questions I had including my question about not having another growth scan for a few weeks. She said that they can't accurately measure changes less than three weeks apart and that's why they won't check every time. She also was able to clear up how important those numbers are.
Cooper's smaller belly measurement was an important clue that he is struggling growth-wise but it isn't the number that would ultimately be the big red button to send us to delivery. It's an indicator that tells us to watch his umbilical blood flows very closely (with weekly biophysical profiles!) and if the flow stops or even reverses that tells us that he's not going to grow any more on the inside and needs to be delivered to have his best chance. It's possible that he's just going to be a smaller baby but as long as he keeps growing at his own rate and still has blood flow then his size isn't, in itself, as much of a concern as I had thought.
It's so hard to know how to ask the right questions the right way. I know the ultrasound tech that did my BPP on Tuesday probably could have explained that if I had asked and if I had worded it correctly. I just tend to suffer from a blank brain when I'm there for some reason. I almost didn't even ask Dr S today because I had decided I would ask next Tuesday so my brain had checked it off the list for now.
I have been struggling a little emotionally this last week with Tuesday being the hardest day for me. I finally was able to put it into words while talking to a friend on Wednesday that I'm mostly struggling with the fact that I need to be simultaneously prepared mentally and emotionally for these babies to come any minute AND prepared to do this pregnancy for another 8 weeks. I know that I needed to just get over myself a little bit because this is obviously all totally worth it. I know that I won't regret a second of this work and worry when these boys are earthside. But I'm also obviously uncomfortable at all times when not in actual pain. I am stressed and anxious every moment. It's hard. But I know that I want these boys to stay inside as long as possible more than I want to be comfortable. I want them to have as much time as we can give them to get strong before birth more than I want to not be pregnant anymore and oh boy do I want to not be pregnant anymore!
Just now as I'm thinking about it I realize that this is much like child birth. Just as I get settled into a level of discomfort and annoyance, things change and I have a new thing to get used to. Some days it's a change in baby positioning that leaves me hurting in a new place. Some days it's a growth spurt or gas bubble that leaves me feeling full to absolute capacity and about to burst. Some days it's a new movement that I can no longer perform because my pelvis says no, like scratching one leg with the other. Some days it's realizing that standing for more than an hour at a go is going to leave me with sausage toes and swelling for at least a couple days. It's all worth it. And this ended up much longer than the quick update I had intended.
No comments:
Post a Comment